The amount disipline that is needed to take my life from where it is right now to where I want it to be is exhausting. The constant need to think about and categorize what needs to get done next, minute to minute, makes it so hard to just breath sometimes that it seems impossible to even plan for the future. Yet I still find some small segments of time to do it still.
I have so many plans. When I was younger the plan was to get a house, get a car, get married and have kids. There was no real details or resoning behind it besides me thinking that was the normal path to take in life. Now my plans haven't really changed but I have way more clarity for where I am now and where I want to be along with some whys.
As a mother of 4 (2 of the human kind and 2 of the canine variety) I am always thinking about what would be better for my family. It would be better if we had a bigger house, everyone would have space. It would be better if we had more land, then the dogs would be able to have a lot more room to run around in. We would have more space to grow food and have space to just relax without worrying about nosy neighbors.
Then I remind myself that goals are nice to have but I need to keep gratitude at the forefront of my mind so that I don't forget that where I am now is drastically different from where I was a few years ago. That I've already accomplished so much for my family. That we have space right now to do all the things I want us to be able to. That we are already blessed and highly favored and that I'm doing great for my family right now.
The constant battle of balance between I'm grateful for what I got but I still want more.
The voice in my mind says not to overwhelm myself and take one small step today that will get me towards where I want to be. I've been wanting to write more. There are so many words that come to mind and drift away never to be seen again. So today I'm forcing myself to start a new habit: writing something, anything, about whatever comes to mind really, every Thursday. Why Thursday? No really meaningful reason. I just want to write and I need to actually make that plan with myself to start that habit. So here I am. Here we are. Welcome to my mind. Stay a while.
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