In 2021 I lost my mom. She consciously and unconsciously was a giant part of my life. Most people would be like duh. That's what moms usually are. That's the part of me that knew she meant a lot. I came from her, she birthed me. That made sense. But I was so lucky that my mom's role in my life went way beyond just birthing me. She was a silent pillar in my life. Always ready to support any decision I made or at least not put me down for choosing something she didn't agree with.
My mom realized very early that I was the least talkative one out of my siblings. I didn't express much or talk about my day or really complain much about anything. I didn't run to her with problems I needed help solving but I knew she was always there waiting to help me in any way she could. I was truly blessed to be given the mother I had. I'm so sorry I didn't reach out to her more or talk to her everyday like my other siblings. I have so much guilt about times I didn't answer her calls or get back to her right away.
But the silver lining is that now I have a collection of all the sing songy voicemails she would leave me telling me to call her back. The voicemails with her singing happy birthday, the ones where she would ask if I had gone to church, or if I could help her with some computer related issue because I was the best with computers and of course my sister told her to call me for help. My mom was amazing because she filled me with light and the knowledge that I have the power to thrive in life. The only downside to that is with her gone that light got a little tinted. Life lost a little purpose and I get to feel the pang of sorrow everytime I think of her.
In 2023 my older sister passed away. She had been battling breast cancer for years. She got diagnosed before my mom did but I still thought she would last much longer. I also didn't think the grief would hit the same either but it did. Actually, that's not true, the grief hit worse but subsided a bit quicker.
I remember getting woken up by missed calls and then knocking on the door. My body and every part of my soul cried out when I heard she was gone. There goes another one. Another life I held very dear to me, ripped away in a way I could no longer interact with. Grief is such a strange thing. When my mother passed she had been in the hospital, they told us she was fading and my older sister had been there with her. My younger sister and I were only able to be there through the phone while my older sister guided us to just speak to our mom through the phone and let her know we were there with her for her last moments. I remember thanking her for life and raising me and just repeating that we would stay together, we would be ok, that she did enough and we wouldn't hold her here on Earth with us just to suffer.
I didn't get the same when my sister had her last few days. She was a mother of 3 and all I was able to do was bring her sons to the hospital to see her. To stand there with them and try to reassure them when she couldn't respond. The pain of watching my sister slip away and then knowing that my nephews were experiencing the pain of losing their mother. It hurt so much but I had gotten just a tinsy bit better at dealing with loss so I could hold my composure a little bit more.
In 2024 my older brother passed away. Anger. Anger was all I felt. Why? Oh why? I'm tired of dealing with death. Out of all the things I strived to be better at, dealing with grief was not on the list. This is not the story I wanted for myself at all. To just keep losing people and be used to it. To know by heart the next steps in the process. I've done this twice already before, on my way to being a pro.
Step 1, contact my job. It was the least emotional way to present this new fact in my life and now they had time to find someone to cover for me because there was no way I could work through bouts of tears. Step 2, contact the family. Send some messages of solidarity around like “we'll get through this” (like we have a choice). Step 3, tell the world. One quick post cause I really don't want anything back from anyone, this is just to inform anyone that might have been missed. Step 4, watch time go by at a ridiculously fast rate when I feel time should have frozen. Watch everyone go on with their lives like every day is normal. Like we are not missing a life that we had yesterday. Step 5, wait for the next death.
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